Once upon a time, rulers passed sumptuary laws—laws of consumption—to keep society neatly stratified. Nobles wore ermine and cloth of gold; commoners wore wool in dull colours of toil. You could tell who was in charge just by looking at their sleeves.
Edward III was especially keen. In 1363 he decreed: “Grooms, and servants of lords, as well as artificers, shall wear no cloth of a higher price than two marks the whole cloth, nor shall they wear any fur, nor any cloth mixed with silk.” Women married to men with less than the required acreage were forbidden “apparel of gold, of silver, nor any kind of precious stone.” It wasn’t enough to be poor—you had to look poor too.
Fast forward to today—a world awash with autocrats in their drab suits and power ties, strutting about like little gods. But notice: the point is not to stand out, but to blend in. Authority dressed in grey projects stability, inevitability, even respectability. Think Bashar al-Assad. The banality of his suit concealed the content of his crimes.
Maybe it’s time we revived ye olde sumptuary laws—only in reverse. Imagine if every power-crazed moron had to sit a worthiness test (benchmarked against the modest standard of Homo sapiens) before being allowed anywhere near the levers of authority. Having failed the test, they’d be required to wear a warning label in fabric form.
There are precedents. In fourteenth-century Venice, prostitutes had to wear yellow; in Milan, they were forced into black cloaks; in Florence, they jingled about with bells sewn to their hats. The logic was crude, but effective: make them instantly recognisable.
One thing’s for sure: the kilt—ancient symbol of freedom—would be strictly off-limits. Because in the cruel universe of Trump, Putin, Orbán et al, freedom is just another zero-sum game: more for them means less for us.
In truth, freedom rests on the principle of mutuality. Shared, it grows; hoarded, it dies. Throw in a few kilts, and it becomes contagious!
Kilts are coming, by the way.
Until then, grab yourself a Feel the Freedom tee. It's the next best thing...
